Getting clean

I was hurt before, so I’m hopeful. In time I will forget about the actual pain.
I honestly didn’t remember, had no recollection whatsoever of the pure physical pain that can be caused by being left alone.
My back hurts and I can hardly stand up in the morning. My neck and shoulders are killing me whole day long. And when I lay down at night and close my eyes I have this frightening chest ache.
I feel like choking sometimes, purely out of panic. It's when I come across any little detail that reminds me of what was. My stomache contracts and blood runs out of my brain.

Is this the result some sort of addiction? Am I ‘getting clean’? But then, what was my drugs? What is it that I miss so much that I must force myself not to scream my lungs out and bang my head against the wall in the middle of the night?
I’ve been thinking about this.
I miss telling her that I love her. I miss giving my love to her. I miss planning these little things to make her smile. I miss daydreaming about her. I miss sharing the stupidest things with her via text message. I miss her smile. I miss her thoughts. I miss the mirror she so often was to me. I miss her touch, and miss me touching her.

I miss being someone for someone who is so very much that someone for me.
I didn’t remember, so I will forget.

for you

For you
I'll walk to hell and back
to get you a light, that's all
I know how you like to smoke
For you
I'll crawl to heaven
to steel you a little piece of luck
You might need it, honey, no big deal
For you
I'll dig deep inside my heart
to cut away the parts that may be rotten
Just ask me,
let me,
and please just show me where
I'm your's