Getting clean

I was hurt before, so I’m hopeful. In time I will forget about the actual pain.
I honestly didn’t remember, had no recollection whatsoever of the pure physical pain that can be caused by being left alone.
My back hurts and I can hardly stand up in the morning. My neck and shoulders are killing me whole day long. And when I lay down at night and close my eyes I have this frightening chest ache.
I feel like choking sometimes, purely out of panic. It's when I come across any little detail that reminds me of what was. My stomache contracts and blood runs out of my brain.

Is this the result some sort of addiction? Am I ‘getting clean’? But then, what was my drugs? What is it that I miss so much that I must force myself not to scream my lungs out and bang my head against the wall in the middle of the night?
I’ve been thinking about this.
I miss telling her that I love her. I miss giving my love to her. I miss planning these little things to make her smile. I miss daydreaming about her. I miss sharing the stupidest things with her via text message. I miss her smile. I miss her thoughts. I miss the mirror she so often was to me. I miss her touch, and miss me touching her.

I miss being someone for someone who is so very much that someone for me.
I didn’t remember, so I will forget.

for you

For you
I'll walk to hell and back
to get you a light, that's all
I know how you like to smoke
For you
I'll crawl to heaven
to steel you a little piece of luck
You might need it, honey, no big deal
For you
I'll dig deep inside my heart
to cut away the parts that may be rotten
Just ask me,
let me,
and please just show me where
I'm your's

Keys

Today I found out L. is with another guy. For four weeks already. Another slap in the face. She didn’t even have the guts to tell me in person.
I found out about it because she used to have her bike parked at my place. She lives out of town and it’s hard to get a free parking spot near her work in the city. So two years ago already we decided that she could best park her car here and then take her bike to go to work. Now this whole weekend her car was parked outside my door and her bike was gone. She didn’t go home for three nights.
Little arithmetic….

I felt I had to do something. So I called her to confront her. And I asked her to give me back my keys. I told her her bike could not longer be in my shed. I really don’t want to be her new relationship’s bicycle shed. I can’t. She agreed, off course.
We talked some more. Mainly making mutual reproaches at first, but we managed to end our call with a few nice words.

Hours later, at nine p.m., I picked up her/my keys from my letterbox. As I held them in my hand I felt… empty. And goddamn alone. She. Is. So. Gone.

I am not afraid to say that I cried. In fact, I cried my eyes out. Then I got angry.

When I calmed down I rethought our whole relationship again. As I have done so many times these last weeks. It’s like a puzzle I need to solve before I can go on.
The funny thing is: while I was rethinking I couldn’t help falling in love with her all over again. And I found myself smiling…

I know something good will come out of this. With or without her. It will be a long road. But I cannot betray the love I feel for her.
I know all too well that she can be a fucking bitch sometimes. And yes, she hurts me. But still, then she is my dearest, dearest fucking bitch! And I’ve been hurt before.

I know she touched me. Very deeply. She moves and wonders me. I know we connected in a very, very special way. I know she knows. And in the end, I think, she made me a little better. There’s only so few who will do that, right?
So, no she cannot use my shed anymore, but I cannot expel her from my heart. She’s got her own spot there. No keys required.