Keys

Today I found out L. is with another guy. For four weeks already. Another slap in the face. She didn’t even have the guts to tell me in person.
I found out about it because she used to have her bike parked at my place. She lives out of town and it’s hard to get a free parking spot near her work in the city. So two years ago already we decided that she could best park her car here and then take her bike to go to work. Now this whole weekend her car was parked outside my door and her bike was gone. She didn’t go home for three nights.
Little arithmetic….

I felt I had to do something. So I called her to confront her. And I asked her to give me back my keys. I told her her bike could not longer be in my shed. I really don’t want to be her new relationship’s bicycle shed. I can’t. She agreed, off course.
We talked some more. Mainly making mutual reproaches at first, but we managed to end our call with a few nice words.

Hours later, at nine p.m., I picked up her/my keys from my letterbox. As I held them in my hand I felt… empty. And goddamn alone. She. Is. So. Gone.

I am not afraid to say that I cried. In fact, I cried my eyes out. Then I got angry.

When I calmed down I rethought our whole relationship again. As I have done so many times these last weeks. It’s like a puzzle I need to solve before I can go on.
The funny thing is: while I was rethinking I couldn’t help falling in love with her all over again. And I found myself smiling…

I know something good will come out of this. With or without her. It will be a long road. But I cannot betray the love I feel for her.
I know all too well that she can be a fucking bitch sometimes. And yes, she hurts me. But still, then she is my dearest, dearest fucking bitch! And I’ve been hurt before.

I know she touched me. Very deeply. She moves and wonders me. I know we connected in a very, very special way. I know she knows. And in the end, I think, she made me a little better. There’s only so few who will do that, right?
So, no she cannot use my shed anymore, but I cannot expel her from my heart. She’s got her own spot there. No keys required.