I was hurt before, so I’m hopeful. In time I will forget about the actual pain.
I honestly didn’t remember, had no recollection whatsoever of the pure physical pain that can be caused by being left alone.
My back hurts and I can hardly stand up in the morning. My neck and shoulders are killing me whole day long. And when I lay down at night and close my eyes I have this frightening chest ache.
I feel like choking sometimes, purely out of panic. It's when I come across any little detail that reminds me of what was. My stomache contracts and blood runs out of my brain.
Is this the result some sort of addiction? Am I ‘getting clean’? But then, what was my drugs? What is it that I miss so much that I must force myself not to scream my lungs out and bang my head against the wall in the middle of the night?
I’ve been thinking about this.
I miss telling her that I love her. I miss giving my love to her. I miss planning these little things to make her smile. I miss daydreaming about her. I miss sharing the stupidest things with her via text message. I miss her smile. I miss her thoughts. I miss the mirror she so often was to me. I miss her touch, and miss me touching her.
I miss being someone for someone who is so very much that someone for me.
I didn’t remember, so I will forget.
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I smash my head against this world until I understand it (suzanne vega)
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3 comments:
I am afraid that usually it is the other way around: the pain will only diminish when you have gone through the agony of remembering EVERYTHING. Only then will you be able to breathe and feel oxygen instead of bile
I beg to differ.... There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. You are indeed afraid, hence your point of view. The pain goes away when we become present in THIS moment, NOT the past. You do not have to remember anything at all... I have never heard of something so absurd, and quite literally, impossible.
We are indeed, somewhat addicts when it comes to Love. Real Love does not make you suffer. We can not put our happiness in the hands of another. What we often refer to as 'love' winds up to be nothing more than an addictive clinging.
The Buddha says that pain or suffering arises through desire or craving and to be free of pain we need to cut the bonds of desire.
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